Greetings from the Trenton Tar Pits.

2004-08-14T12:53:00.000-07:00

rock you like a hurricane

2003-12-23T05:42:00.000-07:00

christmas, my mom, and livestock
typically, the holiday season means receiving baked goods. since my mom is a teacher, christmas has *always* resulted in at least 3 tins of cookies. when i say "always" what i really mean is "in the years preceding 2003, the year i will refer to as the year the potential yet non-existent nut allergies of her over-coddled, raised-by-nannies second graders put an end to it". yes, 2003 marked the year the over-involved, of-course-you-can-go-to-the-$15,000-summer-camp-sweetums soccer moms put their collective feet down and saw to it that no child, regardless of her utter and complete lack of nut allery, have to suffer the ills put upon them by the presence of baked goods in her classroom. (i can say with authority that no child in her entire school system has any such allergy since nut allergy-sufferers have to register with the school nurse. that way, other children can single them out for recess time violence without any confusion.) so in lieu of cookies, my mom got other things like ornaments, flowers, cards, and a flock of chickens. that's right. little johnny's mother, seeing the obvious danger in sending in a nice, normal tin of cookies decided instead to donate to her church in my mother's name. a donation that resulted in one flock of chickens being sent to china with, i can only imagine, a card attached: dear china, what's up? here are some chickens. i hope santa's able to find you all the way on the other side of the globe! your friend, ann's mom we're hoping she'll get the matching herd of cattle in 2004.

2003-12-10T14:07:00.000-07:00

i think the sars is mostly in my left ear.

2003-12-08T07:18:00.000-07:00

one more thing...
i think this site speaks for itself: Thug4Life.
# posted by ann @ 7:18a

2003-12-08T06:49:00.000-07:00

Sunday at the gym
1. No one is speaking English. Not even malformed, misconjugated English. None. Unto itself, not all that disturbing... until you consider that the music was not being sung in English, either, despite being Christmas carols.

2. No one is actually in work-out attire. Not to be misinterpreted as "no one was wearing trendy, strappy, cute gym outfits", but rather "while one man 'ran' on the treadmill in penny loafters, his girlfriend busily curled 2lb handweights in a button-down and khakis".

3. Some clearly retarded girl practically tackles me so as to be the First On the Leg Press where she attempts to use the machine with her arms. When she tires of completely, blatantly, and embarassingly misusing the leg press, she moves on to leg extensions.

4. Here, she kicks furiously so that the plates smash up and down. Loudly. No one in their right mind can possibly think that "exercise" should elicit clanging roughly equal to that of a 25 car pile-up. No one.

5. Penny Loafer Boyfriend does situps. His form must have been what Milton Bradley had in mind when they designed "Don't Wake Daddy". Looking back, maybe he was having a seizure and I'm a total jerk for not trying to help.
# posted by ann @ 6:49a

2003-12-04T10:23:00.000-07:00

orlando 2001
how i earned my #1 Total Asshole title:

g: "huh, so looks like that softball team's staying at our hotel."
a: "ugh, looook at that girl!"
g: "which one? the one with her knee wrapped?"
a: "yeeees! i so totally hate people with fake injuries that wear ace ban--"

     girl with "bandaged knee" stands up.
     slooooowly.
     balancing herself on her chair...
     ...and reattachs her prosthetic leg.

g: "oh my god..."
a: "i'm definitely going to hell."
g: "yes, absolutely."
# posted by ann @ 10:23a

2003-12-03T10:47:00.000-07:00

at least they're not posing as struggling artists
so The Big Show in nyc remains "the producers". [which, in my opinion, is stupid. the movie is infinitely better, stars willy wonka, and is readily available for about 1% of the cost of theatre tkts. but i digress....] and as the holiday season is fast approaching, broadway actors are Doing Their Part and lessening the begging-load assumed by the city's homeless. [well, that or they're collecting money for Some Cause or something. it's so hard to tell.] so after every performance, the actors stay in costume and thrust donation baskets at the gaggles of tourists that clog 44th street for 2hrs proceeding curtain call. most of the panhandling actors seem to be ensemble members. and in "the producers" that means they likely 'starred' in the "springtime for hitler" play-within-the-play. and that means they're likely dressed as wwII era german soldiers. and that must be why we passed those pancake-makeup-wearing men in nazi costumes busily demanding dollars on our way to dinner.
# posted by ann @ 10:47a

2003-11-24T11:24:00.000-07:00

neither rain nor snow nor dark of night...

me: "sooo, getting a lot of boxes delivered to the office lately, huh?"
kid: "they not my boxes."
me: "the boxes labeled in chinese aren't yours?"
kid: "no."
me: "huh. but you're, like, the only one here that speaks chinese."
kid: "they not my boxes. they probably yours."
me: "they're my boxes?"
kid: "yes."
me: "you're totally importing arms, aren't you?"

he's right. my mom probably just labeled my care package in chinese by accident.
# posted by ann @ 11:24a

2003-11-24T11:13:00.000-07:00

snapple cap scrabbler update
apparently the snapple-cap collecting scrabbler finally has enough caps for the ping-pong table. the only problem being that the postage for the caps is twice as much as the list price of the table itself. and, really, that is what makes him the rock star he so obviously is.
# posted by ann @ 11:13a

2003-11-21T07:06:00.000-07:00

the real author of the black-scholes equation
i am baffled as to why it does not seem painfully obvious to everyone on earth that open-mouthed chewing is vile. seriously. before any parent releases its child into the wild, said child should have to undergo a rigorous testing of its table manners. failure should result in the kid being shoved down the garbage chute thus sparing everyone from having to be around anyone who might otherwise be inclined to spray apple while screaming things like "i have theory! i have theory! it about swaption modeling!" and anyway, i believe the whole swaption pricing conundrum's been covered. i think its authors won some sort of award... the nobel prize or teen people's choice award or something...
# posted by ann @ 7:06a

2003-11-19T08:29:00.000-07:00

re: your movie
dear michael moore,

i accidentally watched "bowling for columbine" and it inspired me to conduct a little gun control research of my own. in your movie, you attribute canada's enjoyment of a low gun-related-violence-rate to their being not-american. while i agree that canada is not in fact american, i think the low canadian crime rate is better summed up by "poor marksmanship". also, canada is cold. ain't no one gon' be standin' aroun' outside in dat shit waitin' to cap someone fo' too damn long, sucka. thus, the 'shooting window' is shortened and THAT coupled with shitty aim makes for less violence. it's all pretty obvious when you think about it, mr. moore.

a more pressing issue that i think the media has yet to pick up on is obesity. i don't know if you've noticed or not, mr. moore, but you're fat. being fat predisposes you to certain ailments such as heart disease, type 2 diabetes, and dying a virgin. another problem flying under the radar is smoking. did you know that tobacco might be detrimental to both your health and that of your unborn children? it really took me by surprise, too, mr. moore. a real doozy, that one!!

write back soon!
your friend,
ann

p.s. if you want to reference my research in your sequel, you better give me credit. otherwise, i will find you and hunt you down with the new piece i just bought from the kids on the playground across the street, muthafucka.
# posted by ann @ 8:29a

2003-11-18T11:53:00.000-07:00

it's like spellcheck but much, much better
what if there existed a program able to edit your mind and replace all those boring, staid thoughts with new, exciting phrases? for example:

"that's about as cool as a kick in the groin" becomes:
"that's about as socially acceptable as fucking your entire high school football team while a syringe full of heroin dangles from your eye."

"my job is not fulfilling" becomes:
"it would be more satisfying and lucrative to sell orphans on ebay for a living."

"looks aren't everything" becomes:
"hey, doesn't seem like popularity really gave you much of an edge in that knife fight, now does it?"

"no." becomes:
"i'd rather make out with rosie o'donnell while watching a 3-day-long marathon of 'cold pizza'."

and, really, that's just the beginning.
# posted by ann @ 11:53a

2003-11-18T07:00:00.001-07:00

lost in translation
so many white people get chinese characters as tattoos.
does that mean that in china people get english-letter tattoos?
i hope so.
# posted by ann @ 7:00a

2003-11-18T05:59:00.000-07:00

i'd NEVER take credit for "cotton eye joe".
man: "soooo... what do you do?"
me: "i write the playlists for games at the garden."
man: "really? great! i'm the senior head surgeon of surgery at mount sinai's center for special surgery."
me: "i see."
man: "sooo... do you enjoy your line of work?"
me: "well, i was instrumental in the baha men's surge in popularity."
man: "the baha men?"
me: "yes, the uber-talented force behind 'who let the dogs out?'. OBviously."
man: "huh, well, i do surgery..."
me: "AND 'whoomp! there it is'!!! i had a LOT to do with that one too!!!
man: "right --"
me: "OOHH!! AND "this is how we do it"!!! that one was totally mine, too."
man: "uhhh... so, i'm, um, i'm a doctor...?"

the only thing worse than people trying to make conversation on those subway are those kids who "aks you ta buy a candy bar to benefit my basketball team".
# posted by ann @ 5:59a

2003-11-17T13:13:00.000-07:00

2 legit 2 quit
most little girls' halloween costumes fall somewhere between "princess" and "really pretty princess". ah, but not mine! for halloween '90, i dressed up like mc hammer. i'd pretty much planned to stomp around the streets of east granby in balloon pants and a sweatshirt (labeled "mc hammer"), demanding candy from my neighbors. but wait! my mom questioned the believability of my costume: "i'm having a hard time really feeling you as a 28yrold rapper." luckily, she had a solution. blackface. so away i went, strutting door-to-door in a rural farmtown in connecticut decked out in balloon pants, the "mc hammer" sweatshirt and blackface. it's a wonder i turned out as normal as i did. i mean, it's not like my mom didn't make her best effort to affect the contrary. although, mc hammer was probably a better costume than the year i went as a television.
# posted by ann @ 1:13p

AND in 4th grade, we did oral reports on famous people while dressed as them. most little girls picked people like, say, martha washington or dorothy hamill. ah, but not me! i picked ray kroc. AND got a mcdonald's cashier outfit to wear. seriously, my mom ruled at costumes.
# posted by ann @ 7:00a

2003-11-17T05:46:00.000-07:00

free tab with every 5 rentals
before we discovered netflix, we used to rent from blockbuster...

old lady: "OH! you have 'the matrix'! what a FANTASTIC movie!
dirty bb employee: "yes."
ol: "i just love how you can't tell what's really happening versus what's in a character's mind....!"
dbe: "yes."
ol: "can you recommend something like that?"
dbe: "you know what else is like that?"
ol: "what's that?"
dbe: "acid." [walks away]

well, at least blockbuster doesn't have all those annoying pop-ups...
# posted by ann @ 5:46a

2003-11-14T11:52:00.000-07:00

Spacely Sprocket In My Pocket
Oh my God Jane Jetson is dead! How can we possibly be that far in the future, I don't even have my hovercar license yet! Next thing you know Elroy will be playing shuffleboard with retired aliens using my Social Security money....
# posted by Greg @ 11:52a

2003-11-14T11:38:00.000-07:00

Because 5.5 < 8
What happened to the "homeless people" theme? There's nothing that amuses me on a daily basis quite like the homeless....I guess the thing is that they do/say all the shit that people do/say behind closed doors, only they have to do it out in front of everyone... so maybe it's just people in general that are amusing... anyways, I'm rambling...on to my homeless person story...

So about a month ago I was on the subway and a pregnant woman came on and started into her routine...

"Please help I am pregnant and have been homeless for 8 months and Oh My God what am I gonna do without your money gimmegimmegimme. GIMME!"
So she wasn't looking too big, and I was feeling like a dick and the audience was right, so I took a stab....
"Excuse me, how far along are you?"
"5.5 months."

The car wasn't filled with math majors or obstetricians, but they got the joke...

The funny thing is that that wasn't the first time I'd seen it... sometimes they'll have been homeless for over a year... of course you're homeless! Either you're too stupid to realize that humping other homeless people in the trash and having a child doesn't jive with anyone's idea of solid parenting, or you have the uterus of an elephant... either way, you're not getting a dime from me...
# posted by Greg @ 11:38a

2003-11-14T10:50:00.000-07:00

can you hear me now...? good!
i have a somewhat unhealthy affinity for eavesdropping, especially when the speaker is screaming into a cellphone outside of peepworld. keep in mind i could only hear one side of the conversation...

"hello, is she there? okay, thanks."
"hello? this is rob."
"yeah, hi, so i'm standing outside alone. do you know why?
"no, you FUCKING BITCH, that's not why."
"it's because, you FUCKING BITCH, you stood me up! you BITCH!"
"no, i will not calm down, you FUCKING BITCH!"
"this is the LAST FUCKING TIME i'm making plans with you!"
"no, YOU listen! this is the THIRD FUCKING TIME you've stood me up here, you FUCKING BITCH!"

what kind of girl stands rob up for a hot date at peepworld THREE times? a FUCKING BITCH, that's who.
# posted by ann @ 10:50a

2003-11-14T09:18:00.000-07:00

w-e-i-r-d (9 points!)
i often regret trying to interact with people.

me: "whoa! holy fruit flies, huh?"
wk: "i'm going to san diego for a scrabble tournament."
me: "no, seriously, why are there bugs?"
wk: "i like scrabble."
me: "maybe you should clean your desk."
wk: "i'm collecting snapple caps."
me: "and bugs."
wk: "500 of them gets me a ping-pong table."
me: "so would $75."
wk: "i keep the caps in this bag on my desk."
me: "that bag is full of flies."
wk: "after san diego, i'm going to vancouver to visit a man i met online. he's a scrabbler, too."
me: "you're the weirdest kid alive."
wk: "that's 48 points!"

more evidence that nothing beats a hot weekend of scrabble with virtual friends.
# posted by ann @ 9:18a

2003-11-14T06:32:00.000-07:00

i ain't yo' suga momma.
when it is cold, homeless people flock to pennstation to stand around in clusters and make my morning commute as painful as humanly possible.

man: "can you spare a quarter? i'm a homeless struggling artist."
me: "an artist! may i see your portfolio then?"
man: "i, uh, don't have it with me."
me: "but you said you're homeless."
man: "right, i am."
me: "but then where do you keep your drawings?"
man: "um, they're, um...."
me: "oh my god! you were lying to me to get MONEY!"
man: "uh, well, uh..."
me: "oh my god!! oh my god!! you were LYING!!!"
man: "...uh.."
me: "OH MY GOD....!"
man: "look lady, i don't want your fucking quarter." [walks away]

ha. like i'd give anything to anyone for free. asshole.
# posted by ann @ 6:32a

2003-11-14T06:17:00.000-07:00

keepin' it real
sometimes in new jersey, high school truants go door-to-door selling things. not the exciting stuff one might normally associate with dirty 16-yr-olds, things like mass produced framed prints even motel 6 wouldn't hang.

filthy teenager: "yo, i gots some stuff here."
me: "indeed you do."
ft: "it's, like, paintings, you know? by some good guys. you ever hear of van gogh and monet?"
me: "vaguely familiar."
ft: "they did some good pictures, yo!"
me: "yes, their shit IS tight."
ft: "i'll sell it to you. $100."
me: "no thanks."
ft: "yo, that like retarded cheap!"
me: "yes, but they don't really gel with the tone of our office. if you and your boyz would be interested in coming in some saturday and tagging the walls, we could probably work something out."
ft: "SWEET!"

i like to think of it as my little attempt at community outreach.
# posted by ann @ 6:17a

2003-11-14T05:57:00.000-07:00

brother man get hip
apparently one of my coworkers got a haircut last night. a two inch tall *fade*.

me: "2 hype! ain't gonna hurt nobody!"
kid: "what you talk about?"
me: "oh la oh la ay!!"
kid: "what you talk about??"
me: "do the kid 'n play kick step!! uh uh uh!"
kid: "what you talk about???"

apparently kid 'n play, bastions of late '80s pop rap, did not enjoy the same success in shanghai as they did in east granby, ct. who saw THAT one coming? snap.
# posted by ann @ 5:57a

2003-11-13T07:00:00.000-07:00

this is the greatest present that i never wanted. ever.
today's greg's birthday! yay! i made him open his presents last night. funny... him thinking he had any say in how his birthday gifts would be handled. anyway, i made him a drawing of the aqua teen hungerforce. we're going to hang it in the bathroom.
# posted by ann @ 7:00a